Miss Ma'm

At Starbucks today a darling young man with zero gauge black earrings assisted me with my caffeine fix. I would have enjoyed him a lot more if he hadn’t said, “Can I help you Miss?” at the beginning of the interaction. This immediately sent me inward to contemplate the usage of the word, “Miss,” and so I missed the opportunity to ask him why he called me “Miss,” which would have saved me several hours of categorizing all the motivations and factors that might cause a person to choose a title with which to address someone.

As if this wasn’t enough, I stopped by Trader Joe’s. The surfer dude that checked out my groceries called me “Miss” twice. Twice. Being an introvert, this was enough to reduce me to stunned silence as I married this to my Starbucks experience. It stunned me so much that I forgot to sign the credit card pad. He finished bagging my groceries before I was finished with the electronic necessities, grinned, and said, “Tortoise and the Hare. I beat you.” Cultural literacy. Humph. It threw the option of total ignorance out the window.

I have more gray hair than most grandmothers. In fact, I often have to explain that my children are not my grandchildren. Nobody asks for my ID if I buy alcohol. I wear a wedding ring. I have wrinkles and lines on my face. I don’t look, young, spry, and fresh. I look middle aged because I am middle aged. Miss? Not anywhere near it.

In all fairness to these hard-working young men, I am sure no one has ever instructed them in this area -- though I did contemplate the possibility that they were instructed to call all women “Miss,” thinking it complimentary. In retail sales, do they hold classes on this? Sales clerks are instructed to say all sorts of inane things. “Thank you for calling Macy’s. How may I provide you today with excellent service?” It’s worth it to call Macy’s every fifteen minutes just to hear the sales clerk rattle that off over and over. If there are requirements for what to say when one answers the phone, you’d think there would be instruction given about how to address one’s customers properly.

So, what is the rule for when to call women “Miss” or “Ma’m?” Is there a rule for “Sir?”

After much thought and some non-scientific research, I’ve decided (being that I’m the arbiter of the English language) that the time to use these titles is not dependent on the age of the person being spoken to, but rather the position of the speaker in relation to the position of the addressee. For example, if I am under the authority, or in a position of submission (e.g. salesclerk in relation to customer) to a female to whom I wish to show deference, I would use the term “Ma’m” or “Miss” to communicate my submissive spirit. A 57 year old man, if he is my sales clerk, might say, “Yes Ma’m. I can help you with that.” However, I would not, in this situation address him as “Sir.” If he was my boss, it would be appropriate to say, “Yes, sir.”

That seems pretty straight-forward. However, knowing when to use the term “Miss” as opposed to “Ma’m” requires bravery and acute observation. Technically, a woman should be referred to as “Miss” if she is unmarried, but with all the feminist nonsense you never know who is going to get bent out of shape no matter what you say. So here’s my advice: Use “Miss” only if the female is clearly under eighteen years of age. If she is over eighteen refer to her as “Ma’m” if she is older than you. If she is over eighteen, but younger than you, check the wedding ring finger, and make your best guess.

The only thing I know for sure in this whole mess is that you should not call anyone “Madam” unless you are a butler with a distinctly English accent. The connotations of addressing a woman as “Madam” here in the Wild West won’t get you the sale. Guaranteed.